I went to a retail palace this weekend and found myself stunned! I was trying on a new color of my favorite jeans, in the same comfortable size I have in my closet right now, but these were, well, unpleasantly tight. Like miserably tight. So, thinking it was just that style, I tried on shorts in that size (my size!!) from the same brand. Um, also tight. Because I’ve decided to never again purchase tight clothing because I’m planning to lose weight “someday”, I tried on the next size larger. And they were perfect. Here’s a reasonable facsimile of my mental Mongol Horde’s response (see this post about the Horde): “Ack!! You went UP a size!! All the exercising we’ve been doing, the eating well…What the heck! What have we been denying ourselves sugar for? You’re so fat!”
I had a chance in that dressing room, in that moment, to choose fear or love, panic or peace. I’m pretty proud of myself, because I chose peace. I chose to love myself regardless of my jean size and unplanned growth. And yet, in truth, it still hurt a bit. If I got bigger when I was trying to get smaller…WHY was I NOT eating PIE?
The next morning I got up and exercised anyway, dong a routine I hadn’t for a while, and noticed it was a lot easier now. Then I weighed myself and I’d lost a few pounds. My blood pressure was excellent. If being in better shape, healthier, and losing a few pounds is how I GROW up a size – then I’ll be at peace with that. And now and then I’ll probably have pie too!
We’re all works in progress. I’m always growing and expanding in a variety of ways. Sometimes I’m shrinking, or releasing, or retreating instead. It’s all good! As I learned from the incredible Martha Beck, adding “and that’s OK” to the end of a sentence can be the difference between peace and agony.
So….I’m growing and changing, and that is absolutely OK. I can love that.